He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
