I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
