I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
