hotel room ftw
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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