i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
