I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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