Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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