Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
