I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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