I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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