So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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