You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
