We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
two words...techno handjob
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
