babies were throwing up all over the place
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
