She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
