Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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