Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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