i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When are your genitals available?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
