She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
there is glitter all over my balls
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
