I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
