there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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