took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
