i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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