I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
