anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
