peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
