Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize