i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
