I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
