I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
