Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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