I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
