just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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