Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
