I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
this is an emotional support booty call
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
