Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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