I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize