i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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