I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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