What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
