i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
