u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
