I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
