Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
