I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
