I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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