i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
