Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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