My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
