he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just forgot I was standing up.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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