3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
