1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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