Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
