There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
