Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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