the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
