what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
