I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
