I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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