Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
