I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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