I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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